Friday, September 21, 2007

Ponderance

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about many things, but specifically about my commitment to this path.

I am not uncommitted, but my drive has been lacking. I am not disinterested, but I find it hard to focus on this most of the time. I ponder if this is because of some personal failing of mine, and I know that the answer to that question is yes and no.

My life currently is not where I want it to be. It's messy. It's not totally my doing that it's come to the crossroads that it is at. In fact, most of it has come about due to the decisions of others that I have depended on. I can feel sorry for myself and pity my present situation in life all day if I want to. In fact, I have done that before! My responsibility lies in what I do about it.

Ultimately I shape the world I live in (as do we all for our respective lives). If it's not where I want it to be, it's because I have yet to transform it. I wonder if I have the tools for such a task, because I haven't always had them, but I know I have access to them. They're there for me if I have the courage to wield them and change the very nature of my universe.

Knowing that makes it no easier to take up those tools and take full control of my life and tell the archons that I'm driving this bus, so be quiet and sit down. There are many distractions, both static and dynamic, that make me look away from the road and slow down. Because of this I have recently focused more attention on my praxis. My present praxis is simple and doesn't require a lot of my time on a day-to-day basis, but it is my anchor. It keeps me here, keeps me looking back to the road, reminds me to be mindful.

I fail often at mindfulness, and sometimes feel like I am on 'standby'. I fail often at being Gnostic, but I believe it's not something you do, it's something you are. Am I a failure? No, because I haven't even really begun, but it is within me to either fully embrace the light or "let the [archons] win" (word up to the current Administration, yo).

I'm doing the former, slowly, even if I question where I am in my life or my ability to really make the changes I know I need to make. I was struck by a quote from Tim Boucher that I read in Bro. Puma's blog in a post about some crazy stuff (some people think the Mayans predicted the literal end of the world in 2012, and promoters of a non-Christian apocalypse have made a veritable bandwagon out of it, don't ask) today:

"The point is: Don’t lie. Don’t steal. Don’t do what you hate. Just start creating the reality you know you deserve by unabashedly expressing what you’re really all about instead of hiding behind emotional artifices which you think noone can see but which actually limit your ability to really express yourself. We all secretly suspect we’re actually completely awesome. It’s like that Will Ferrell movie or whatever the fuck it is. He says something like “I don’t know if you know this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” But actually be a big deal though. Be the reason for people’s hearts to get flighty when they get close to you. Be really you and it and stop hiding behind whatever that is you won’t let go of. 2012 is right now. We don’t have to wait. We’re not supposed to suffer. That’s not why we were sent here. We were sent here to experience His Love™ and he doesn’t care what the fuck you call it as long as you just don’t shut yourself down to it anymore. He knows you are seeking it in all things you do but just can’t seem to make it connect somehow or sometimes or both or neither. Just let go of that one terrible thing you’ve always been holding onto that you just can’t or won’t let go of because you’ve forgotten how to forgive."

I think that says it all, really.

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